Wouldn't ya know?

Isn't it always when you have a plan to do something and get so excited about it something seems to go wrong!  Ha!  Erik and I have still been trying to sell my Jeep.  We wanted to sell it privately, but if nothing came of that soon we were going to just bite the bullet and trade it in for less than what its worth...but we would be done with the dang car payments and be saving so much on interest.

Well...last night Erik backed into my poor pretty Jeepy with his big fat truck.  Nice, huh?  So now we have to get pretty much the whole passenger front quarter replaced.  Its not enough to turn it into our insurance we don't think...so there goes the money to put into a new cheapy car for me!  Dang!  Hopefully we will get a quote soon and it will be less than we are thinking, but we aren't counting on it!

But it is all good!  God is good and he will provide when the time is right!  :)

For now, we are going to get my poor baby Jeepy into the body shop.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring??  :):):)

Heart Breaks

It is the most crushing feeling that this sweet girl doesn't have a family.  There are so many orphans...so many...but this girl...every time I see her face I feel so broken.  I wish there was something I could do for her. I wish I could run the 5,700 miles to her and tell her that God loves her and soon...very soon...her family will find her.  And they too will love her.  

As I write this, a family is preparing for you.  In their hearts, in their homes, in their lives.  I know it.  I know God has great plans for you, little Vanessa.  You turn two this month.  I wish I knew the day.  Maybe next year you can celebrate it with a Mama and Papa of your own.  :)

Reece's Rainbow

How do you know?

This is what I have been thinking about for a few days now.  Specifically, how do you know you are ready to become a parent?  I'm not sure how the thought really got into my head...but now it is there.  And has burrowed.  Now it is the constant and all consuming thought in the still moments of my life.

Where did this shift come?  Since Erik and I have been married I have been adamant that I was definitely not ready for a baby.  I was not ready to be a mama.  I wanted to be selfish and think of only myself, my husband, and my marriage.  But somewhere...somewhere it has changed.  Maybe it is all the cute growing bellies I see around...maybe it is the dear friend of mine that just found out that he and his wife are expecting a tiny little surprise 33 weeks from now...maybe it is just something in the dang water.  Either way it has me thinking.

Is it something you can really decide?  It is a major realization that I had after the first sneaking appearance of this thought that most of the parents in my life became that way on accident.  They didn't have time for the what if questions that I find myself plagued with.  It wasn't a part of "the plan" but they made it work!  And that is how Erik and I have been all along.  We aren't planning on getting pregnant anytime soon (it is an ambiguous maybe in 5 years or so whenever anyone asks) but we know we could happily make it work if we found ourselves in the situation.

I know the church-y answer would be to pray about it.  (And believe me, I am!)  God will provide the peace I am needing.  But anyone being real about it knows that a lot of the time sometimes, you don't get the answer you are looking for and sometimes you don't even get an answer at all!  And I am okay with that!  Sometimes you just have to have the faith to know that everything will be okay.

I keep going back and forth between deciding that I am psycho and am waaaay over thinking life and the other side that I am not thinking about it enough!  I know part of it is my very well founded and biologically reinforced fear that I won't ever be able to conceive...so what if Erik and I are wasting what may be precious time not trying.  What if we do wait 5 years to decide we want kids and it takes us another 3-5 years for it to work???  (If it ever does at all!)  I don't want to be 30+ and just starting out with our first little one.  I was hoping to be nearly done at 30!  (With the exception of any adoption opportunities that present themselves.)  What if we wait so long that our kids don't get the chance to know our parents?  (Erik's parents are in their 60's and not in the best shape health wise so that is a real possibility if we wait too much longer.)  It was such a stab in the heart when Erik's papa died to know that our kids will never even meet him.  He was such a loving and remarkable man.  (Miss you, Papa Bloom!)  What if we always find another excuse as to why we should wait?  I know it is a selfish thought, but what if I never get to do all the things I had always planned on?  (School...travel...getting out of debt...whatever!)  I mean, I don't really think that I child would inhibit me...but that is what EVERYONE keeps telling me.  "Don't have a baby yet, you will never ________."  You can fill in the blank with whatever.  It is usually about school when I hear it though.  ;)  The what ifs are driving me crazy.  But this is Erik and I's life.  We have to do what we believe is right.  I just...I don't want to wait for some ideal situation to come about for us to think it is the right time.

What should go into this decision?  If anything at all???  Oh gosh.  This shouldn't be so hard.  ;)