This is what I have been thinking about for a few days now. Specifically, how do you know you are ready to become a parent? I'm not sure how the thought really got into my head...but now it is there. And has burrowed. Now it is the constant
and all consuming thought in the still moments of my life.
Where did this shift come? Since Erik and I have been married I have been adamant that I was definitely not ready for a baby. I was not ready to be a mama. I wanted to be selfish and think of only myself, my husband, and my marriage. But somewhere...somewhere it has changed. Maybe it is all the cute growing bellies I see around...maybe it is the dear friend of mine that just found out that he and his wife are expecting a tiny little surprise 33 weeks from now...maybe it is just something in the dang water. Either way it has me thinking.
Is it something you can really decide? It is a major realization that I had after the first sneaking appearance of this thought that most of the parents in my life became that way on accident. They didn't have time for the what if questions that I find myself plagued with. It wasn't a part of "the plan" but they made it work! And that is how Erik and I have been all along. We aren't
planning on getting pregnant anytime soon (it is an ambiguous maybe in 5 years or so whenever anyone asks) but we know we could happily make it work if we found ourselves in the situation.
I know the church-y answer would be to pray about it. (And believe me, I am!) God will provide the peace I am needing. But anyone being real about it knows that
a lot of the time sometimes, you don't get the answer you are looking for and sometimes you don't even get an answer at all! And I am okay with that! Sometimes you just have to have the faith to know that everything will be okay.
I keep going back and forth between deciding that I am psycho and am waaaay over thinking life and the other side that I am not thinking about it enough! I know part of it is my
very well founded and biologically reinforced fear that I won't ever be able to conceive...so what if Erik and I are wasting what may be precious time
not trying. What if we do wait 5 years to decide we want kids and it takes us another 3-5 years for it to work??? (If it ever does at all!) I don't want to be 30+ and just starting out with our first little one. I was hoping to be nearly done at 30! (With the exception of any adoption opportunities that present themselves.) What if we wait so long that our kids don't get the chance to know our parents? (Erik's parents are in their 60's and not in the best shape health wise so that is a real possibility if we wait too much longer.) It was such a stab in the heart when Erik's papa died to know that our kids will never even meet him. He was such a loving and remarkable man. (Miss you, Papa Bloom!) What if we always find another excuse as to why we should wait? I know it is a selfish thought, but what if I never get to do all the things I had always planned on? (School...travel...getting out of debt...whatever!) I mean, I don't really think that I child would inhibit me...but that is what EVERYONE keeps telling me. "Don't have a baby yet, you will never ________." You can fill in the blank with whatever. It is usually about school when I hear it though. ;) The what ifs are driving me crazy. But this is Erik and I's life. We have to do what we believe is right. I just...I don't want to wait for some ideal situation to come about for us to think it is the right time.
What should go into this decision? If anything at all??? Oh gosh. This shouldn't be so hard. ;)
Oh girl, I wish I knew the right thing to say....to help you have some "worldy" peace, but I don't. I can give you some of our experience, and that's about it!
ReplyDeleteWhen we were first married (2004), I didn't want children. I assumed that one day Eric would talk me into it, but I was just fine living my life childless. And our stock answer for "when" if people asked was "5 years or so." Within a couple years, having a baby and starting our family was all I could think about. Whatever I was doing, I would wonder, "How would this change," or "How would I manage this," if we had a child. It was literally ALL I could think about. This went on for many months before I ever shared it with Eric, knowing that if he knew I was thinking that way he would be ready to go NOW. Even though I was wanting it, in theory, so bad I was afraid that we weren't ready in all the other ways. I was afraid there would be too many things I would wish I could've done....like a vacation!
I don't remember how we decided it was "time," but I do remember that we decided to stop preventing pregnancy and just see what happens. Pretty much as soon as we decided that, I changed my tune and wanted to be pregnant NOW. I was surprised that I was one of the lucky ones that didn't have trouble conceiving (when I really thought we would have some big issues). And I still wondered if we were doing the right thing since we had only been married 2 years and this was NOT what I had imagined!
Just to give you some idea of how much your thinking changes when you become a mama....when we decided to start trying for #2, it was definitely not a "smart" decision. We are on 1 income, living paycheck to paycheck, and with no chunk of money set aside to off set the cost of another child. Not smart. But it worked. It still is working, and not because of anything we have done :) When we were trying to decided if we could handle #1, we were in much better financial shape. Twice the income, lots of savings.....and we didn't know if we could afford a baby!!!
So anyway....listen to and trust yourself. God is within all of us, He takes care of us! The "what ifs" will work out. You can still do all the things you want in life with children at your side.
:))